An Ode to Unconditional Love and the Starving Energy of the Old.
Life is one big conspiracy (minus the unlawful part)!! Life is consistently conspiring to bring us into fuller understandings of ourselves, the truth of ourSelfs. You and I, being in polarity, give any and all experiences a value: it was good, it was bad. To spirit, it all just is.
A couple of weeks ago a beautiful soul said something on my facebook wall that really triggered something inside of me. Her comment was something about being forgiven for smoking. All I could feel inside was... how "human." That took me on an ongoing inner journey around the energy of forgiveness itself, coupled with all the individuated emotions that make up the wholeness of love. Forgiveness itself, does not fit at all into the realm of spirit (outside of duality,) why would it? If everything there is unconditional love and zero judgement (and it is) then there is never anything to forgive... ever (again, speaking souly for the other side of the veil and not earth side.)
So forgiveness itself had to be a part of the human, duality emotion pack. But I wasn't completely certain.
Even going back to the years of my own healing journey, I was shown the experience of whatever happened that I held inside of me, thru the eyes of spirit themselves. Once you witness an event and the entirety of why it happened and how it could have happened, amazing love is the only thing that flows in to fill that duality event. The only place I had to really apply forgiveness in that journey, in those days, was to myself. I hurt many people because of something I took so personally and most of the time, inaccurately and held it deep within as anger. Rage even. But even that, was so long ago, I cannot recall the true energy of forgiveness.
I eventually put that pondering away (or so I thought) and focused on the million other things shifting thru the field and the human experience.
In the last few weeks, many people were talking about the intensity of emotions coming up, usually in reference to the negative emotions that exist on this side of the veil. I waited for mine to flow up... nuttin. That is... until the morning of Sept. 9th.
I received a text message from my sister that my father was admitted into the hospital the night before. I called his cell phone and his beautiful wife of 25 years answered and let me know that he had developed pneumonia (this on top of end stage emphysema and lung cancer) and they had aspirated his lungs by putting needles in and pulling fluid out. He didn't have enough breath/strength to talk, but he was doing ok.
It is kind of funny how the energy of guilt can start flowing in without us ever realizing it.
I called her again on the morning of the 10th to check in and see how he is doing. She gave me more information about his condition. They aspirated 1500cc's of fluid from his lungs, the tumor has grown and has fluid around it, but due to the delicate nature of his lungs and the worry of his lungs collapsing, they cannot aspirate the remaining fluid. On top of that, his arms and legs swelled up too.
Before that phone call, I did two readings and they are changing, and I was so excited about the change. Spending time reading the front yard (incoming energy) then turning around to read the back yard energy (what is being produced thru the incoming energy.) My excitement turned into a fizzle when I attempted to connect to my 3rd reading (which happened after the phone call to my step mom) I had zero connection.
What the hell just happened? Sadness. As I turned my attention to myself, I could feel it ballooning up in me and around me. I was down for the rest of the day. There is something strange about an all day steady rain (something that rarely happens here in NM) and sadness, the rain and lack of sun seem to allow it (the sadness) to bloom.
I took a ride to the local store and something really strange started to happen to me, inside of me. I could feel the bulging energy of sadness flow into my heart, move up to the back of my throat like a lump you cannot cough out and even pooled up behind my eyes.
I started to pay attention to what moved into me. What was really causing this sadness?
For the rest of the day I paid attention to what was going thru my mind... the fact that I had only called my Dad once since I have been back (in two months) and texted him only once after that. I already knew he was feeling like my lack of communication was because I didn't like my time with him and I did nothing about that anyway.
I know most people will never really understand how wonderfully exhausted I am after a day of readings. For me, it is like doing serious aerobics all day long, my sharings are the warm up exercises before we work out together. When I am done, I am utterly done. I do not pick up the phone to make calls and most of the time, go nowhere near the computer until the morning, when I awake rejuvenated and joyfully start all over again.
But when someone is already feeling fragile, the lack of communication can be deafening. When you are connected to someones heart, it is easy to allow their feelings as your own. I could feel and recognize my own tinges of guilt... especially if this is his last hurrah... I would have no other opportunities to make up for lost time (so to speak.)
I suppose if the news of my father wasn't enough to kick my heart wide open, the next days events surely would be.
I have been cat sitting my landlady's wonderful cat named Daisy. Daisy arrived at the Mesa back in May, she is an older female cat and truly the expression of love creeping around on four paws. She loves to be loved and she loves to share love, it doesn't matter if you are a stranger or the most hardened heart... she is great at melting hearts. I nick named her Daisy Dukes, my way of putting my personal bond into her. I loved everything about her.
I woke up at 5:40am and both me and daisy had to potty. She was trained to potty outside, one of the great things I loved about her... no messy kitty liter!! As soon as she seen me emerge from my bedroom she started heading towards the back door... sorry daisy dukes, my bladder comes first!! When I came out of the bathroom, she headed for the front door to go out. I let her out and reached down and petted her back.
This cat is a slut for being petted. Yet, she didn't stop her trek outside to get more love, she either had to go potty really badly or was on some sort of out-door mission. I felt this awful feeling run thru me as I stroked her fur... that this would be the last time I would be able to do that. I discounted the feeling instantly.
I was instantly side tracked by a HUGE moth banging is HUGE body against my ceiling. It appeared in my space the day prior, just long enough to freak me out. At first I thought a hummingbird got into the house, but when it landed on the wall, I knew it was a moth... a HUGE freakin moth!!
I am such a wimp with big bugs, crawling or flying... especially the flying kind.
This moth found refuge from my fear on a window shade and stayed there all day long (thank goodness.) That is, until the very moment I let the cat out of the door yesterday. Once again, this mammoth moth is pinging against my ceiling. Instead of running away from it (it was across the room from me) I watched it and realized it was chasing itself. On the ceiling was its own reflection of itself and it kept moving into its reflection and bouncing off the ceiling. Enlivening within my own consciousness how much that moth thought its reflection was real, was another moth. Hmmmmmmm!
I opened the back door and stood with broom in my hand to guide it out the back door when it started bumping against the ceiling near me. It flew straight at me, and sure enough... went out the back door. I felt so relieved both for myself and for the moth too.
Within moments of that moth finding its freedom outside, the neighbor dogs (3 german shepherds) started to descend to the front yard. They were barking like crazy. These are not the type of dogs you want to pet when they make their presence known in your world.
Then their barking turned into something else... something... blood curdling. They shifted into the back yard, to my land ladys back yard and they were in a frenzy. I opened my back door, shouted (as I did many times before when they came creeping in our world) and their frenzy didn't break. I turned on my back light (it was still pitch dark outside) and then got my flashlight and shined it over towards them... they didn't even notice.
My blood was draining from me, I knew daisy was in that frenzy. I was going to get my broom and break it up, until I had a flash, in the state they were in, I would be next on their attack list if I went over.
I am such a freakin coward. I am not only afraid of the dark outside, I am actually semi-afraid of dogs.
I couldn't move. I couldn't think either. I closed my door, sat at my computer and prayed I was sooooo wrong about daisy dukes. At exactly 5:55 am, their frenzy stopped. It was too dark out for me to go looking for a black cat, and I wasn't sure the dogs left, just their insane barking, a bark I have never heard before, stopped.
I prayed for a mental distraction. I got one. Yesterdays sharing was the first time in all my years of sharing that was produced like a movie in front of me from beginning to end. I lost myself in the sharing, in the vividly light filled movie playing in front of me. I published that sharing with only minutes before my first reading of the day. I didn't have time to think about daisy or the dogs. I flowed from one heavenly vision to the next.
I was ecstatic about what was happening now in the readings. Like reading a figure 8. Start in the front yard end in the back. I love evolution!!!
My precious lady in the field was going to be more comforting to me than either one of us could have ever realized.
I had just finished my blog about bumper cars, so I wasn't too surprised to see her show up in the front yard, in her east field, in a bumper car. The color of her car was purple/violet, I watched as three of her guides put the finishing touches of changing out the rod that connected the above friction/metal/energy to her car. I even had to smile when she said she was experiencing hip pain in both hips for the last week or so. But of course, this is really changing out our connection, our relationship with physical life.
When I turned around to see what this was bringing to her in the back yard, my heart sang. Huge, huge apple trees, a perfectly aligned grove of them all on her west field, physical life. The bounty of life and wisdom is about to go into over drive for her.
I only had about 7 minutes between my first and second reading and I was so present in the unfolding energy, I still didn't think about daisy and the dogs. I went into my next reading and come out even more excited. She was so aligned with her center field, her deep heart center, surrounded by what spirit kept calling "vital energy" to me, it looked like fog, but obviously isn't. Her bumper car thingie at the top had four circles above it. She is bringing in the higher dimensions in what will be opening up for her soon. We got to see that potential when I turned around to read the back yard.
I am loving this new experience of reading... and all because some folks cleared out the old debris in the back yard.
When I got off the phone with her, I had 45 minutes before my next appointment, Daisy was now at the forefront of my mind. I feel brave enough to go look. As I walked out my back door to the left, where my landlady's backyard is, something at the corner of my house drew in my attention. Purple flowers all in bloom. How did I never see them before until this moment. The color of these flowers were exactly the same color as my first lady's bumper car. I just went out and took a picture of them. They obviously must be the flowers that close up at night and open in the sun.
I reached out and touched them, as if to give myself an extra dose of courage as I made my way into my landlady's back yard. Just as I was breaching rain soaked branches of her tree, I heard my team clearly ask me "Do you really want to see." Without hesitation I said NO, but I do need to know.
There is something about being human, until our eyes witness what we already know to be true, doubt lingers. I had leaned heavy on the side of doubt.... hoping I was soooo, soooo wrong.
I got into my landlady's back yard to where her fire pit is, scanning the ground, hoping I do not see daisy up close, I couldn't handle that. It was as if spirit directed my eyes, I felt my knee's go week as I looked to the left of the fire pit, laying under a tree as if fast asleep was daisy. She was a good 15 feet from me and I could see her form, just not clearly, thank you dear god.
The moment I turned around to walk hope... it happened. I broke wide open and the tears, the primal sobs echoes out my mouth, poured out of my eyes. My heart was shattering into a million little pieces.
The guilt whaling thru me. I kept hearing the dogs over and over like a freakin broken record. I seen myself standing in the doorway, paralyzed by my own fear, unwilling to go break up the dog frenzy.
The only words I could release out of my mouth with coherency was "I am so sorry Daisy" and the tears would flow faster. The pieces of my heart all had jagged edges, cutting me deeper and deeper.
I had to find my breath, I had an appointment that soon would be calling. I cleared my mind, focused on the flower to give me strength. I didn't even have the energy to reschedule my loving lady, I simply told her, I will get back to her to reschedule. I took the cowards way out and emailed everyone else on my agenda...
In that moment, in that long long moment, doubt returned. Maybe it wasn't Daisy that I had actually seen. I didn't get close to really really see it was her. I breathed in and walked back over to my landlady's back yard, never going beyond the fire pit. The black cat still in a heap under the tree. Maybe it is someone else's cat... I went into my landlady's house, hoping Daisy used the cat door and found refuge in her home. I called and looked.... and cried even deeper as the doubt moved completely out.
I couldn't leave that cat laying there on the wet ground, yet, there was no way in hell I could get any closer. To see what those dogs have really done, my heart could not endure that. I felt like such an immense coward.
I walked over to my landlady's neighbor, hoping they were brave enough to at least put Daisy in a box, get her off the wet ground, but they weren't home. I sat here feeling really isolated and alone. I have never felt that living here before. I got in my car and drove down the dirt road that passes my dirt road, I wasn't sure how many neighbors lived down that road. One. I heard the barking of the dogs coming from the only other house down that road. I thought I would vomit. I backed up and went home.
I called another friend who lived in Jemez Springs, maybe she would be brave enough to scoop up daisy. No answer. Just shit. I wasn't even sure if I should tell my landlady about her beloved cat, she was in Maryland visiting old friends and surely, this sad news could wait another day, but I didn't know who else to call so I called her cell. I got an answering machine and my mind wanted to just hang up, instead, my voice crocked out the news of Daisy.
I decided to send an email to my friend in the springs and she called me back within minutes. There is something about owning guilt and hearing what another would have done if it was them.... the very same thing you couldn't do yourself. I simply screamed at her "BUT I DID NOTHING" and hung up and billowed tears. My stomach now in every conceivable knot.
I did the only thing I could think of doing... I went down to the Mesa. As I made my way to the river, a monarch butterfly cut me off from the left. As I reached the river and started at its bulging flow, a pure white butterfly flew up-stream over the river water. I knew something spirit was vividly present. The river was so swollen and raging from the rain all day prior, my chair was still wet, it must have rained thru the night too. I went to the river's edge, not really wanting to sit down anyway. All I could feel was the pull within me to look up the clouds, just like the pull of that flower earlier.
I never go to the Mesa without a camera and promptly put my camera in my pocket before heading there. The first image I had seen in the sky....
The elephant that had been so prevalent in the opening of the Mesa, so associated with the energy of Jorge and the Guardians, was now in full and perfect formation of cloud energy. Vital energy. I took a closer picture:
It is looks like he is confronting a bird/snake-like creature. I felt this intense wash of love, of support, of.... indescribable feelings. I started looking around at the other clouds, faces every where. Moving faces. Angels on the move, on the merge.
I felt guilty taking freakin pictures!! What the hell!!??
I looked at the movement of the river, intensely. It was flowing rapidly and yet, the waves it was creating were breaking backwards. It is exactly what I felt like. All this intense energy running into me, breaking backwards. A collision of energy that I cannot remember ever experiencing before.
Of course, I never had to deal with murder before. Ever. Not in this lifetime anywayz.
Couple that thought with something my son put on his facebook in the morning, one of those little things that just get under my skin for pondering. He put an image of himself at the 9/11 monument (from a couple of years ago) with the phrase "Never forget."
Never forget what... really? This question came before I realized Daisy Dukes was mauled to death. Ripped out of life by a pack of dogs.
What is it we shouldn't forget? Should we never ever move on? Do we remember the pain and forget the purpose (very hidden purpose from most eyes.) That bothered me...
The only thing I really needed to release at that river was the horrific sounds of the dogs. I felt a calm surround me, like a loving hug from an unseen arm. I walked back to the house, the trek is not all that far, but man, spirit can pack a lot into a very short frame of time.
I heard my team echo what has come out of my mouth so many times in so many readings "Guilt is a useless emotion and serves nothing." In a sudden flash of memory pictures of my paralyzed self in the doorway and a broader understanding of what really happened.... I could feel the energy of guilt receding.
I sat on my couch, still releasing tears but not the primal, guttural ones that had been flowing for hours prior.
The dogs were barking in the distance. I hated what they did. I hated the thought of that beautiful, loving cat being mauled for taking a much-needed shit (literally.)
I understand it so intimately now. Hate is the complete opposite of love. It is truly an energy that exists (and is very much-needed) on the earth plane. All the love flowing from the Mesa, the images made manifest in clouds, honored the event that took place. Honored all that happened to bring something so close to my heart into realization. Starting with the moth bumping into its own shadow image. Moving next to the spiritual video playing in front of my eyes as I wrote... with needed events emerging out of the field of energy coming into creation for our experience.
I knew when I petted Daisy as she went outside, it would be the last time I got to do that. She was so brave, so filled with unconditional love, she didn't even look back as she went out to be an unmistakable messenger to all of us.
So often we are taught to beg god's forgiveness when really, we are begging for our own. God has nothing to forgive. Ever. We can do nothing that would take god (creator) out of himself and put him/her into duality. Unconditional love.
From the earth plane, forgiveness is what allows us to return to the wholeness of Love, to our pure and natural, nature of Being.
I get that now. Vividly.
So what is it that makes us feel we should never forget and why? It's our guilt. It's our pain so deeply embedded in guilt that we cannot bear letting that go. Of forgetting.
I thought about daisy all day long, a hidden visual (thank you team for that blessing) of her being torn apart by 3 old energy dogs. Void of love. Void of friendship. Living in the void period.
I realized, that it is that image that we don't want to forget, like a group of masochist's needing to feel pain, fearing the release of it would cause us to forget the love we had for that person, that place, that part of our history.
We don't dare look at the blessing.
Daisy knew who needed unconditional love most, and nuzzled her way into the hardest of hearts. She gave herself fully to those dogs. They needed her love more than anything. The old masculine energy devouring the life-giving, loving giving female.
I can so clearly see and feel the blessing, in ways that could have only come thru this entire, divine, loving giving experience.
It had to happen on my watch, while I was cat sitting or I would not have run the gamut of feelings like I did. Like the entirety of 9/11 itself, I would have been a passive observer and not part of the blessing.
I am still shedding some tears today, tears of love and honor and feeling so blessed to know and love something so utterly unselfish.
It is her courage, her willingness to face what we perceive as death and walk into it with love.
Thank you for ALL for being there, sending me so much love and support every time I need it. To all you flapping angel wings out there... your winds of love have done exactly what was needed. I just got a text from my step-mother, dad's lungs have cleared up.
Never forget the love. The unconditional love of ALL of life.
Soggy, love drenched, heart healing ((((HUGZ)))) to ALL,
Lisa Gawlas www.mysoulcenter.com/energy_readings.html