Inner Motives and Outer Experiences.

choices It's kind of funny, I spend pretty much my whole day with you, the light of your soul and all that is possible in our life, that I can and do forget, there is a murkier side to life still happening.  A cold, uncompassionate arena called our justice system.  A place that is so focused on what you have done instead of what you are doing to change all that you have done to be a better person.  At the same time, I am forced to look at the karmic garden of life of my precious baby girl.

Many of you have been asking how she is doing and I wanted to wait until she had one of her preliminary hearings before I actually said anything, which happened yesterday.

Since she was released from jail a month or so ago, I watched this girl put as much energy as she could into changing her life, she started therapy, joined and is attending NA meetings, was hired as a salon manager, was doing community service and then within the last week, it all started to unravel.  On Monday, much to her surprise, her criminal background check from work came back, she was let go.  She didn't tell them what was happening in her life and didn't think they would find out.

At court yesterday, the judge, not surprising at all, said there is plenty of evidence to bring these charges to trial and explained to her that with each charge (there is a total of 5 from yesterday alone) her minimum sentence she is looking at is 1 year, 5 months.  She has a trial date set on a completely separate offence/charge on January 21st, I will be there for that one, I have a deep gut feeling it will be the last time I see my baby girl for a long while, because with the video evidence on her with this upcoming charge, she is looking at an additional year one top of the above when it goes to trial (date not set yet.)

I could hear in her voice as she talked to me yesterday, her wavering strength and somewhere inside of me, I can almost understand it.  From the heart of a mother, my heart shattered with that phone call.  We were both hoping to have some of the charges dropped and at the most, getting time served with probation.  That does not even appear as a remote possibility now.

There is a part of me, that has consistently remembered a cousin I had, the closest thing I had to a brother, a few decades ago.  He got tangled up in drugs, committed armed robbery, did 5 years in jail, got out on parole, did something to revoke his parole (I cannot remember what it was he did) and instead of going back to prison, he shot himself in the head.  25 years old, the same age as my daughter.  When a memory hangs in front of my face, I do pay attention.

I was only two readings into yesterday when I got the phone call from my daughter.  It shattered me and my focus for the rest of the day.  I don't have room on my dance card to be shattered!!  I tried pacing, a shower, chocolate, none of my standbys worked.  I hear the loving voice of my soul explain to me to be grateful you have the deep love of a mother and can experience the shattering of a heart, that is the precious price of loving another.  Dammit.

So this morning, I cannot even remember the details of the first two readings yesterday, it is like my vision has become eclipsed by what is happening with my daughter, but equally a close friend of mine here in the Jemez who just found out she has breast cancer that is too large to operate on.

There is an underbelly to all this amazing, intense energies.  The karmic garden of our past, growing at a rapid speed too.  I can see the darkness of my daughter's past and the poisonous snakes still slithering around in the darkness... an eery, disheartening visual to say the least.

The motives within become a key player in all we do.  We look at the top side of what is happening, how intense, accelerating life is, how uplifting, expanding and extraordinary it is all becoming.  And ohhh my dear good god, It IS!!

I suppose, we must look at and fully understand the underbelly of it all as well.  The same energies that are creating the intensity of expansion are equally creating the energies of contraction, a squeezing out if you will.  For the light to expand, the darkness must contract, be squeezed out.  This squeezing creates reactions to both individuals as well as groups.  We in fact are already witnessing some of the squeezing, the reactive fear taking place with the Paris and San Bernardino events.  Bubbles bursting, shining light without even realizing it.  The last hurrah of darkness gives birth to a stronger brighter light to others.

So let me come back to that freakin dark garden full of poisonous snakes.  Why do some snakes have poison in their bite?  Protection of course.  An evolutionary necessity, no different from our own karma biting us in the ass, it is designed to protect us from any further harm to ourselves or others.  What we do unto others must equally be done to us.  An experience or series of experiences to invoke change at the deepest level possible.  They cause death to all that was so that we may see the Light of new life within.

Back to motive.  Do we change to avoid something?  Most do, in which case, the karmic snakes must live and move forward with us, to have their time in the Light, to effect a deeper, truer change.

Understanding this now, this morning, I wish I could say it makes it easier from the heart of a mother, it doesn't.

However, I do understand more tho.  As we expand further into the glory we have worked so hard to Become, the contraction within density, 3D mentality, will be as hard at work as we are.  Duality is not for the weak of heart.  Can I throw in another dammit!! lol

Change because you love yourself more than the consequences of your past.  Change because you're trying to avoid or get around the consequences of the past, the karmic fangs are out and they will bite, they have to!

And then there is our personal responsibility thru these changes.  To shine the light of illumination, of knowing, of exposing what is really happening and why.  The Light does not only creep into safe places, but into the places, the hearts, that are bursting apart, which is where it is needed the most, with the penetrating sword of truth.

On that note, I am going to try to pull my heart and head together as I get ready for the day of readings.

Big big ((((HUGZ)))) of strength and illumination as we lead the way!!  May we all help to strengthen the hearts in change and each other thru it all! <3

Lisa Gawlas   www.mysoulcenter.com/bookreading.html

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