Updating the Journey with My Mother and What I Am Learning Thru It All.
It feels like forever since I sat down to share, or even just sat down, 3 day car ride excluded. But lets start back at the day I left. Like I said before, I kept feeling like I was being evacuated out of my home and the urgency to leave just kept stepping up sooner and sooner than the moment before it. I was all set to leave Monday the 4th, after my house sale, but when I woke up on Sunday the 3rd, my insides were pressing me to leave that day, as soon as my stuff sold. I still had 2 major items that needed to sell before I would close the doors to the Jemez, my 60" TV and my sectional. As my day started and I turned on my Pandora radio to tidy up the house to, I stopped in my tracks when I heard the first song that came on... "Follow Me." I lovingly refer to that song as my Jesus song, since way back in my beginning (2001) that song started playing the moment I laid my head on my pillow to go to sleep. The sound was so clear and crisp that I actually looked under my pillow to see if there was a radio under it, there wasn't. When I fell asleep that night, I had a very vivid dream experience that included me, Jesus and my then Mentor Marc. So with all that said, when that song came on at 9am Sunday, a song that never ever played on my Pandora list before (and I had that account set up for at least 5-6 years) I listened then stated, fine I will leave today, but we gotta get this TV and sectional sold. 2 hours later, my TV and sectional were sold.
In between the people coming in and out of my home, I was packing up my car. I was caring my memory foam mattress topper to the car when as I went out the door and turned towards my car, my left ankle decided it was tired and gave completely out. Down on my ass I went. All I could think to myself was, what the hell does this mean!! I had no idea, then. I got back up, grateful my ankle did not hurt at all and continued my packing and selling. My TV went first and I helped the man who bought it carry it out to his truck. My ankle was fine. Within 15 minutes of my sectional selling, ohhh my dear god, I swore I broke my ankle it hurt so much to walk on. I still had hours left of the sale and a ton of little stuff yet to move, not to mention I really wanted to clean, sweep and wash the floors, but whatever was happening inside of me, compounded by the pain in my ankle, had me completely surrender and leave, staying seemed to hurt as much as limping around on my ankle.
When I reached the last 10 miles of my beloved New Mexico roadway, this amazing cloud formation seemed to be literally releasing rainbow energy onto the landscape. I was driving while taking these picture and my camera did not really pick up the intensity of the rainbow, but the entire spray beneath the could was pure rainbow energy, more intense on the left side of it, but indeed thru out it too:
Within minutes of crossing the border into Texas, the rainbow ceased to be. New Mexico has one hellofa way of saying goodbye. I knew this had to be a really good omen.
I drove about 8 hours that day, and getting in and out of the car to gas up or go potty, freakin hurt my ankle, I felt like Miss Gimpy. That is until I got the motel for the night. The very moment I crossed the threshold into my fleabag room for the night (smile, meaning, the cheapest hotel I could find) I literally felt the energy in that ankle leave my entire foot area. It was a very odd sensation, but there was no more pain or discomfort. That was strange but I was grateful.
The rest of the days on the road were uneventful until I was about 3-4 hours away from my mother and my GPS had me get on the Florida Turnpike. Shortly after turning on this road, up in the southern sky there was an unmistakable, detailed cloud formation that I will forever regret not getting a picture of. It was very clearly two really large faces looking at each other. There was about a 6 inch space between the faces and the energy of the face on the right literally came out and formed from the heart space of the one on the left. It stayed there in front of me in the sky until I hit my first toll, which I figured I could not get my camera, it was gone by the time I paid and started driving again. It gave me excitement and of course, the first thing I thought of was... divine counter-part!! He is here in Florida!! Funny how we can assume what we want to assume about anything we see. Thru the days and resting moment within the days, this cloud formation on my mind and in my heart, spirit shared a bigger insight. We are born from the hearts of each other, what we do for one, we do unto ourselves. There is none that is not us, not a visual expression of our own hearts. This amazing cloud expression was showing me me and my mother, together. One heart, two bodies. Do we focus on the love or the past that separated the love. I was once again reminded of the insight my team gave me before leaving new mexico, we must be able to sustain and thrive in our most challenging of relationships with love and service before the fullness of a divine counter-part will come into Being.
Walking into my mother's home was a mixed bag of emotions. The separation of 20 years was obvious. My mother now older and frail, she was my age the last time I had seen her. The filth that made up her house, was NOT from the mother I once knew. She was an absolute neat freak. Her kitchen was littered with dishes and pots and maggots. Rotting food still in everything. The linoleum floor speckled with dry fecal matter. Her living room and bathroom rugs showed the same display of diarrhea that did not quite make the toilet. With my mothers bad back and arthritis, cleaning anything up at the floor level is a thing of the past. Obviously cleaning anything up, is a thing of the past.
Since I got in so late (about 7:30pm) she and I sat and talked until we both surrendered to the day at about 9pm. I woke up long before dawn and my mother and started on the kitchen. This was emotionally hard. How long has she been living like this? I had a deep feeling this kitchen condition was more an effect from deep depression than physical ailments. My Aunt affirmed that thought to me when we called her later in the day. My mother has been in a deep depression for a very long time.
She has had no one, and I do mean NO ONE in her life for years. Her car broke (a really good thing) about 5 years ago and she has been sitting in the house, alone, utterly alone for all that while. She did have a sister, who lives a few streets over, that was her friend until my mother borrowed her car and wrecked it. My Aunt was furious because my mother did not have the money to pay for the things the insurance did not cover, they have not talked since (several years.) That is a deep condition in this family, money and walls.
As I started to go thru and toss heaps of papers (bills, receipts and stuff) I started to realize she must have started closing down about 2014, there papers started accumulating (all over the house) from about that time period. She also became a hoarder of plastic containers, mostly the lids, neatly protected in zip lock bags... trash!! I took out 8 bags of trash the first two days.
By the second full day here, the damn that has been firmly kept in front of the wall of tears started to break. I kept thinking of the mother I knew, social, active, super clean (house and body) and who she is now. Even when she walks, it is like her body was twisted. Not so much with an actual limp but that her body was uneven inside. Metaphysically speaking, I really do understand, you withdraw your support from life, life withdraws its support within you. But its my mother and damn metaphysical understandings!! My heart was mourning the vibrancy of the lady I once knew as I understood the walls she has been busy building thru her life left her in isolation (inside and out) and unkempt.
I would only allow myself moments of these tears, just enough to release the pressure, then back to being proactive. Estimates need to get done. First ones to come were for the AC until getting done. The motor and unit that runs the AC from outside, rusted to death years ago. She had a window unit in her living room window doing all it could to cool down an 80 foot double wide with an open floor plan. Of the three vents that blew cool air, the center one was not working and the two beside it was struggling. This was my biggest priority. Especially since my mother has a really hard time breathing once she lays down. All I could think of was my father, she sounds just like him when they laid down, coughing, wheezing and rattling. She either has emphysema or lung cancer (he had both.) She has not been to the doctors in over 5 years, so she is not even sure. We will find out much more tomorrow (friday) at her doctor's appointment to include a mammogram for the double grape sized lump near the nipple in her left breast.
Several days before my mother discovered a large lump in her breast (while I was still in New Mexico) I started getting a vision that saddened and surprised me. I could see my mother in her bed (surprisingly, her bedroom looks just like it did in my vision) and she was dying. I was laying next to her in her bed, feeding her and giving her drinks. I couldn't understand why I was seeing that, yes, she has some medical ailments, but none that was that dire, that I knew of. When I called her and she told me of her lump... my heart sank. It is still sinking. I realized that the journey I had with my father is nothing, emotionally speaking, like I am having with my mother. I didn't know my father, there was no father daughter bond with him, my mother on the other hand... this is hard, much much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I am doing my very best to lean into gratitude for being here now, for being in her life again, but my heart still aches for the 20 years of space, for the decline and isolation I could have helped her with. I love her so damn much, have all my life and this, it is just hard.
The cheapest estimate we got on the AC was $3300. I had $1500 set aside specifically for this repair from my house sale. I didn't realize the entire unit died, she told me the motor was still good. Not!! There was no motor lol.
But the AC stands along side another major priority, my mother's bedroom floor is sagging. It scares the hell out of me to walk on it. The particle board rotted and she has a strip of plywood that allows her semi safe passage onto her bed. We got an estimate on that, $2300, I about choked! She also has a shower that is leaking, it looks like it too is rotting (the guy affirmed it pretty much was) and is spilling water onto that floor too. His estimate to fix the stand alone shower was $318 and save the bathroom floor from rotting.
I put a gofundme project together. Talk about being completely moved out of my comfort zone. Its hard enough accepting money, but purposely asking for money, especially a large sum of money... OMG my comfort zone moved into a whole other country! Especially when so many people gave of their amazing hearts to cover any needs I had or would have to get me here to my mothers. But I had no choice, before I even had the floor estimates down and trying to feel into how much above my $1500 we were going to need, I felt the amount of $4500. $5000 felt like too much, $4000 felt like to little (that's how I came up with that number.)
We won't even talk about the electrical needs, she had a kitchen outlet that completely caught fire and had black melted plastic on the top outlet while she used the bottom outlet. Half her outlets didn't work and I don't play with electricity. I anticipated the cost of fixing the electric to be higher than the floor. Thank god for an amazing electrician who checked my mother's electric bill to find out, all her wiring needs were covered by insurance she took out thru her electric bill. Everything got fixed with nothing out-of-pocket spent.
So in total just to get the immediate, life threatening needs fixed, it was going to be $5918 and with my $1500 sitting, the total is $4418. I was within $82 of being right. Truly spirit guided cuz the Lisa sitting here, had no real idea, I just felt into it.
If anyone ever doubts the entangled hearts of spirit, then they simply do not know you!! Since I did not have internet hooked up yet (we just got it hooked up yesterday) the only place I could put the gofundme (which is actually youcaring funding) on my facebook. Within 24 hours we had raised enough to deal with the AC and let me tell you, not a moment too soon. I wasn't sure how long it would actually take for the wepay site to get the money into my bank account (it said 3-5 days) but I wasn't waiting around for it to happen either, I called the AC guy and got him scheduled for Wednesday, which would have allowed 3 days for the transfer to happen. Her little window unit must have heard the conversation I had with him, because an hour later, it died. It had been chugging along for years and finally said ohhh good, help is on the way, I can die now.
Within hours, it was near unbearable in this house. It's not even the temperatures itself but the humidity. I have had the temps in my house in New Mexico reach 95 degrees, yeah I sweated, but breathing was not impaired at all (I didn't have AC there at all) but here, with that humidity... holy freakin shit batman. The humidity started climbing, 40%, 45% and topped off at 54%. I worried about my mother and the cat sleeping that night. She could barely breath as it was, and if I was having trouble, it has to be worse for her and the fur covered cat. I tried to talk her into going to a hotel until we got the AC running, she refused saying I have spent so much money already. Who cares about money, if one of us is not alive that money is worthless!! She did not lose any of her stubbornness, at all.
I cannot tell you the gratitude that ran thru my blood when we woke up the next day, and the money hit the bank account. OMG maybe the AC would have mercy on us and can fit us in today, a day early. I got his answering machine, we took to facebook to get the prayer posse whispering YES into his heart, sure enough when he called about noon that day... YES it was and 2 hours later, the AC project started, 2 hours after that, we had air but most importantly, it was sucking the humidity out of the house so fast there was a waterfall coming out of the AC unit outside.
So as I could formulate and hold a thought without it melting, I started to think about this last month and what spirit had to do to make sure this one soul on earth I call my mother, had to orchestrate to get so much done so fast. Take a long view with me...
First, my oldest daughter had to get pregnant, have her son and have her heart opened to the degree she wanted to reconnect with me after 4 years of silence. She wanted her son to know his grandmother. This was the greatest mothers day present I could have ever received, since she showed up the evening before mother's day this year. Then she had to ask for my mothers address, and put it on her itinerary to visit while she is doing a country-wide tour to introduce her son to those important in her life (she started out in California where she lives and went as far as Massachusetts, where she is now before she starts the trek back home.) She she realized that going to her grandmothers (the first visit or communication in 20 years) it would take her out of her way by 15 hours one way. She decided against it until she had a fight with one of her paternal uncles in Mississippi and decided to cut that visit short and go show up on the doorstep of her grandmother. Neither one of us knew if she would be welcomed in or have the door closed on her since my mother disowned her too a couple of decades ago.
Obviously she was let in. When she called me to tell me about the fact that my mother had just come home from a 20 day stay in the hospital after having a stroke on the June 10th (my daughter arrived on the 13th) and the deplorable living conditions and state of isolation my mother was in, before we even hung up, I knew what I was going to do... get my mother the hell out of that living condition. However, the snag in my plan was that my mother told Michelle she did not want me calling her or showing up, she still wanted nothing to do with me. So I wrote to my aunt in PA, the only sibling of my mothers (she has 7) that still talks to her, explained my mother's living conditions and my plan and if she would help my mother see this was a good thing to let me back in, not a bad thing. My aunt just told me the other day, she had to make several phone calls and tell her (yell at her) to let me in. WALLS are huge and solid in this family.
But let's go to our world of spirit. The movement of the timelines I experienced while getting lost that one day trying to go for a hike. So much moved (for all of us) that day. I told spirit if this is going to get done, you need to change the timelines to one where my mother still loves me and it was done within minutes. It released the hate and opened the door to love.
But lets look at that for a minute. I write about all the potential that we now have within our energy fields including changing timelines and outcomes. What I could not understand was how to make it happen. There are no rituals that will get it done, you can intend all day long but the only true thing that moves mountains, is the emotion within the heart of desire. I personally did nothing except ask. But equally (as I am now understanding) my magnetic field was on high as well. The pull to my mother's world was not even a thought, it did not go thru my mind in any way, it was just... gonna happen. Which really helped me understand how this whole magnetic field of life really works (another thing I pondered, since before this event, my life was pretty much the same every day. I had nothing to understand it thru.)
The magnetic field of our hearts, of our lives when fully active should supersede the mind. The mind itself only creates the details/action needed to get to wherever we are being pulled to. When in full alignment with the magnetic flow of our lives, all the players who need to show up, will show up instantly. Just like my landlady shockingly telling me my mother could not stay with me. Now I see why, it is much better I stay with my mother for so many reasons. I would have never even thought about moving without her, so I bless her so much for moving me out!
On my three day drive to here, and experiencing the outpouring of love and donations thru you, my team showed me how magnets work. My flow going to my mothers, inching me nearer and nearer by the house and I could see all these gold flecks of energy (you) flooding into my magnetic stream. It allowed me to not only get here with zero financial worries, it also allowed me to get the many little things that needed taken care of effortlessly and without financial worry (like getting food, getting my mother under clothes, paying bills and stuff.)
It also makes me see, as I have told my mother over and over again since getting here, that everyone, no matter their past, is worthy of love. That spirit will move mountains to get our needs taken care of. The only unfortunate thing, most mountains have this thing called ego that stops the movement towards amazing goals and outcomes. When we pause, even for a moment, to think about what we are getting into or out of, the flow is broken. Which leaves many with the ongoing question... why doesn't it work for me. It does and will if we can keep our minds to the task it was designed for, movement thru matter and always let the door take you to where you/we need to be next effortlessly with all needs covered.
I think hard on that little window unit. If it had died a moment before we got here, or if I didn't or couldn't get here, if you weren't there to get me here abundantly, there is no doubt in my heart my mother and her beloved cat would be dead. They could not live in that humidity for much longer than the day and a half we endured.
Days before I left New Mexico, my aunt sent me a very worried email. She was afraid I was blowing smoke up my mother's skirt, that I wasn't going to follow thru on what I have been saying. My mother even said to me several times "I will believe it when I see it." And I think of the collective pond who feels humanity sucks (as my mother and aunt did) and the ripples of change flowing outwards right now.
I also think of how much we can change and enhance the karmic dept of people and places. My mother was isolated for 5 years, a place I know she created for herself and then suddenly, life burst into her world, into her heart when her granddaughter and great grandson showed up and she woke up out of the isolation, and yearned for more. Her heart yearned for love again. She got depressed and the raging diarrhea (that's how her body lets her sadness out, which spills on the rugs and floors.) Since we (me and all of you) arrived in her world, she has not had diarrhea once. She is actually having normal bowel movements even when she eats or drinks something that normally would have triggered it before. It really makes me realize that LOVE is the most powerful drug, the greatest healer of all. I think irritable bowel syndrome should be called irritable life syndrome.
There is much more to share, but that is for another day. I am giving you a novella to read. My mother has her doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, ohhh and I took her for an eye exam the other day. Her vision is not good, only to find out she has cataracts (I thought the doc said glaucoma, but no, its cataracts) and bleeding in the left retina. She has the presurgery appointment for the cataract on her right on the 22nd then an appointment with a retina specialist on August 10th.
We have the floor guy coming to fix the shower on Monday, we are still raising the money for the floor. Thank you for helping me take such good care of my mother, of the collective in need of loving compassion. I will never ever be able to put into words my gratitude, my own awe of your extreme generosity with a lady who some could view as not worthy of help. ALL Are.
I have had several people asking me when I will be doing readings again. Please know it will be as soon as I humanly can. I have not even had the time to process the emotions in me with all that is happening with my mother. I do have a target date of July 25th, but lets see whats in her boobs before I commit to reaching places I have not fully cleared the way inside of myself to reach... yet.
I love and appreciate you all more than my mere words will ever every express. Thank you for help two souls so enormously, unconditionally, the way you do.
Big big ((((HUGZ)))) filled with miracles and love!!
The link to my mothers fundraiser is here: https://www.youcaring.com/julie-driscoll-599179/update/498497