Just a personal update <3
I had my parent wall in my home in New Mexico. Photos of my father and a couple of my mother and most every day I would say hi to my father, thank him for 18 months we got to spend together before he passed and finger kiss my mother and ask her to please let me see her once again, before she passes. Being estranged from both my parents and then given the blessing to be able to be with both of them once again, before their passing, please know, nothing... no-thing is impossible. Ever. For these miracles, I am forever grateful.
But man oh man, this one hurts.
When I started to play with the possibilities of what I might be capable of (thanks to my bible "The Holographic Universe") one of the first things I dabbled in was scrying. Taking pictures or personal items of deceased people and tapping into them. I could do it, I absolutely did not like it at all. It all came with their base/ego emotions, their pains and worries and I gave it up as fast as I discovered I could do it.
I am finding with my mother as I continue to go thru her stuff, once you let the genie out of the bottle, there is no way in hell to put it back in or turn it off. Some things, some people, you're just too connected to and that is the way I am with my mother. Every piece of paper, all her legal woes, everything is embedded with her emotions and I feel them as if they are mine too. And it hurts. I can understand the events and why they happened the way they did, but it still hurts the heart that this has been my mother's life.
Couple all that with the overwhelming love I have for her, this journey, as grateful as I am to be on it, it is a million times harder than it ever was with my father. Then again, I was granted a lot more time with my father too since I really didn't know him, and was blessed to get to know him during his last 18 months.
I spent close to 8 years in the deep end of my bathtub smoothing out the scars the relationship with my mother and understanding her from a soul level. I think, to fully understand her accumulated choices at the ground level and the consequences that have built up over time from them all, I needed the higher understanding or this feet on the ground view, would have destroyed my emotional heart. It hurts knowing the pain of the consequences she endured, but I do understand it all.
For those that may not know, my mother was admitted into the hospital on the 15th. The greatest birthday gift I could have ever hoped to receive. I have been trying to get her to the ER for the week prior, meeting her new lung doctor and him finding out her heart rate was 156 beats per minute, he highly suggested she go straight to the ER (funny, I gotta back space and erase the ET I keep typing lol.) We went and had a birthday dinner first, then to the ER she went. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and admitted. Her lung doctor did write a script to get a CT scan of her lungs done so I asked, since she is here, can ya do her CT scan while she is here. Fortunately, her lungs were in such bad shape, they did one stat and then they did another one.
My mother has stage 4 cancer (until the biopsy comes back sometimes this week, they are not sure what type of cancer she has... more than likely lung) it is in both lungs, in her lymph nodes, liver and adrenals. Her doctor stopped telling all the places it is in and changed it to widespread to not overwhelm and over worry my mom. Right now, they are not going to do an MRI because my mother's lungs could not endure laying flat for so long to get that test done.
It's funny, my son reminded me that I seen all this (her end sooner than later) before I left New Mexico, funny how I could forget. Let me assure you, pre-knowing does not make anything easier, at all, in any way. And please, I share this, to share. Don't send me links or what's good or bad or proven or whatever. I know it comes from a good and caring place, but just like my own cancer journey, I take advice/guidance from the inside out and not the other way around. It is more invasive emotionally than anyone probably realizes.
At least my mother is willing to talk about this and face it. We have already ruled out any surgery, she doesn't want it. She is starting to rule out chemo, and again, until we get the biopsy results back with what type of cancer she has, there are no medical options on the table. She is open to marijuana for her comfort. My daughter just happens to work on a marijuana farm and makes that special oil and when she gets back to Cali, she is going to get on it. I talked to my mother about palliative care and hospice, she is open to whatever one is needed based on the choices we make after we know for certain what we are dealing with.
My mothers birthday is Sept 21st, I am hoping she is here to celebrate it. But I was thinking, if you felt inclined to send out a birthday card to her, let her feel your love and support directly, that would not only be appreciated, but make her moments incredible. Please don't send a get well card, she is not going to get well. We are just going to live well!!! <3 Which is what I told her when she said she is going home to die. Oh no, you're going home to live until you take your last breath!!!
Julie Driscoll 39820 US Hwy 19 N., unit 226 Tarpon Springs, FL 34689
I tried to do readings yesterday, I couldn't. In its own way, it's amazing to witness the energy field, the heart field work its focus. I love my office, the energy, the scenery and yet all I could do is feel my eyes well up with tears, my heart yearn to get to the hospital to spend time with my mom, my bowels started to churn, my stomach in knots and my mind going back to all the experiences in New Mexico and trusting the my own energy flow then... I had to honor it now. I sent out an email and headed to the hospital, and I instantly I could feel my energy reformat. The wall tears, that released all day long... but not while my mother was awake!!
We talked the other day about what I should do with her when she dies, I know she wants to be cremated, but then what. I am not leaving a burned up body in my home ever, that's morbid to me. So we decided I will plant her in the yard so she can literally push up daisies. I will create a little flower garden and put a sign "Mom's Garden" as her tribute. We laughed. But that is the plan now!!
Then I realized, well shit, I'm gonna be the one making all the final arrangements. I better start looking into that. Phew baby. Of course my mother has no life insurance. I also have to get my name on the title here, which she has been asking me to do for a month now, and I didn't want to deal with it. Now I am praying there is time to deal with it. So I made a call to the attorneys that handle this mobile home park and they were very kind and understanding... but geez, that's an expensive process too. Who knew!! But not as expensive as if it went into probate. We have a tentative closing date of Sept 6th.
And last evening as I am doing all I can to hold myself together, there is knock on the door. My Aunt Joan who lives a couple of streets over came calling, shit information seeking. One of the first questions she asked me... how old are you now. You have to be 55 years or older to live here. Bite my ass!! And then justification for not talking to my mother for years. I don't care. My mother loves you and I pray you come and give her hugs without bringing up the past before she leaves. She said she would.
My daughter Michelle, who was the blessed catalyst of getting this all happening will be coming here Wed for a week with my precious grandson Rune, I am so looking forward to that. If I can, I am going to do some readings while Michelle is here, I just don't want to leave my mother alone for a moment, she has spent so much time in isolation I want her to know that love is here and surrounding her in every moment. But we should be getting the biopsy results back about that time, then it's a whole new set of oncology docs and getting home health set up and stuff. I so wish I knew all this stuff before I got everyone rescheduled or even put out a special, I would have done neither had I known the extent of what is happening inside my mom. Hell, I wouldn't have even gotten my office yet, it's just an added expense at this rate. But I have to trust spirit's guidance and breathe and trust and love with all my Being!
Anyway, I wanted to catch you up with my ever-changing world. I am so grateful to have you all with me/us and loving us and sending us prayers and energy, it is felt and utilized. Ohhhhhhh.... that reminds me (smile,) I was coming into the hospital about 2 days ago and there were a bunch of people at the valet station at the front door when suddenly my focus was on them. I could hear myself saying "i love you" in my mind and then I could see these white rings of light expand outwards to the people (like the rings you see when throw a pebble into still waters.) As I started to pass a lady in a wheelchair, the light turned from white to this amazing variation of multi colored light in all the rings. I was really taken by surprise with this moment. My team said, this is how much we are affecting the world around us with our presence. It happens whether we are aware of it or not, my team made me aware so I could share with everyone how much we are doing when we think we are just walking from one place to another!!
I love you, thank you for walking with me and my mom and Valorie too!! Ohhh God bless Valorie, half the time I cannot take her phone calls, I have not skyped with her because I never know what time I will be home (my mother's primary doc makes her rounds late, as late as 8pm.) OK, now I'm just whining lol. Please know, I would have crumbled already without you!! <3 Thank you so much for being Here and Loving US!! <3
((((HUGZ))))) of love and deep gratitude,